You Don’t Have To Be In A War To Have PTSD

I drove to a cemetery several miles away. I asked Jesus to ride in the front seat while I drove for 90 minutes. My request was to help me pray to him while I drove. Yeah, I found this picture on a website that sells these car window decals. (You should buy one if you are so inclined.)  The thought of Jesus being our co-pilot is cool. Of course, there is the plea for Jesus to take the wheel and that is cool too. But seriously, I had a serious prayer I wanted to utter while I drove to a serious place. You Don’t Have To Be In A War To Have PTSD.

Black Rubber Bands

I told Jesus about a man who jumped from the towers on 9/11. A paramedic on the street was performing triage on the injured bodies. As he was placing black rubber bands on the people who were already dead, one man who had no legs or hips and his bowels were oozing out of his abdomen opened his eyes and began to speak to the paramedic. He said he was glad that the paramedic was there to save him. It was evident to the paramedic that the man would bleed to death in a few short minutes.

As the paramedic placed the black rubber band on the man’s arm, he turned to walk away. The man shouted, “Wait, come back!” The paramedic knew there were too many injured to stay with this man who would be dead before they could load him in an ambulance. He turned back and lied, “Don’t worry, someone is coming to get you.” All the while knowing that the following people who came would only find a bloody, partial corpse.

Damaged But Not Physically

I told Jesus I was like that wounded man. I had no idea that I was so damaged that I couldn’t sustain even a friendship with Ms Never. Talking to her made me so happy and gave me a headache at the same time. Sometimes, I felt weak and could barely breathe. My mind would race, and sometimes, I’m sure I said some things to scare her away just as the paramedic turned and walked away from the wounded man. Neither the paramedic nor Ms Never was equipped to provide the support needed for the people they met. Like the man lying on the ground, I was too damaged.

Immediately, Jesus reminded me that he would never leave me and that he was The great physician. No wound was too great for him. I replied that he was a spiritual being, and I was grateful. I did not doubt him, but I was unsure if he wanted me to have a helpmate. If he did, who on earth would “be equipped” to have a relationship with someone as wounded as me? I could only think of Ms You and Ms Friend. Ms Friend’s life experience allows her not to be repulsed by me but also limits her from actually loving me. Ms You truly loved me and always did. She almost ruined her marriage to get me to believe I was worthy of love.

The Day I Got My Black Rubber Band

Her brother died in September of 1985. I feel like I received mortal wounds on that day, but like the man at the bottom of the towers, I didn’t know I was dying. For the first time ever, I asked Jesus if he would allow Ms You to return to me someday. Surprisingly, I felt no guilt and only felt relief to utter those words. For years, I only prayed, “You know what I want,” for I was afraid to say what I really wanted. I thought it was selfish and a sin. But now, I only wanted a helpmate and a soulmate, and I just wanted the pain to stop.

At the graveyard, it seems that Ms You no longer visits. The plastic flowers have completely deteriorated. I fear I have run her off somehow by bringing flowers and adding pebbles to maintain a heart shape around the headstone she made once (I believe for me) when she sent me a picture of his grave. I feel guilty for being there, but now that no one visits, I think it is okay. I’m mourning the day that the black rubber band was placed on my arm.

On the way home, when in cell range. I called Ms Friend, and she talked to me for 30 minutes, and I felt better. 2 nights later, the Bible App that Ms Never showed me sent me a message at 3 am. The message said, “You should sign up for a study called, “Healing What You Can’t Erase.” The message was not from Ms Never; it was sent by the App or perhaps from Jesus. I signed up for the study and I ordered the book.

You Can’t Face It Without Jesus

The wilderness journey continues. I pray Miss You forgives me. I must change my inner being instead of my external circumstances.  You Don’t Have To Be In A War To Have PTSD. However, you can’t face it without Jesus. You need to have Jesus to heal what you can’t erase.